Rick Kaplan
Staff Writer

(OAKLAND, May 5) – Once upon a time, home runs were exciting.

There was Bobby Thomson’s sublime shot in 1951. Kirk Gibson’s unforgettable one-legged victory lap in 1988. Joe Carter’s World Series winner in 1992.

But now it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. They’re a dime-a-dozen. Ho-Hum Home Runs.

Chris Shelton, whoever that is, hits 9 in the first 14 games of the 2006 season, and Albert Pujols rings up 15 dingers in the first 28 games. Kevin Mensch homers in seven straight games.

And it’s just early May.

Click below for more!Speaking of May, ten (10) different players entered May with at least ten home runs. The previous record, in the whole history of MLB, was five (5) players doing that.

The rampant spread of the bogus, over hyped home run (BOHHR), contrary to MLB homer-happy marketing propaganda, has robbed the game of a lot of drama and subtlety. The home run epidemic threatens to destroy everything in its path. Soon, as more teams build mini-parks and begin to wait around for the big flys to start dropping into the ever-closer grandstands, triples and plays-at-the-plate will go the way of complete games and shutouts.

Home runs are getting so commonplace that hitting two in a game may be getting close to being the equivalent of going 1 for 5 with an infield hit in the pre-1998 dead ball era. Ben Broussard, the Indians’ first sacker, hit a pair and knocked in eight runs in a game last week and was on the bench the next day. Better hit three next time, Ben, if you want to stay in the line-up.

The focus group types are telling us that this is what the fans want. It’s simple physics, or maybe business math. Juiced hitter + juiced ball = exponential number of runs + more excitement = more fans.

Or does it? If this goes on much longer, the real fans will begin to chant on their way out of the park, “BOHHR-ing.” One wonders: Is it possible that this season-long home run derby could revive spectator interest in pro bowling?

At one time a purpose pitch, i. e. bean ball, could back an aggressive hitter off the plate. It now seems hopeless to try to stem the relentless offensive assault with the old methods.

Even as the pitchers grow larger and taller, the hitters are acquiring more weapons and protection all the time.

In depressed bullpens and early showers around the league, pitchers are asking each other: What can we do?

“The hitters now come up to bat looking like hockey goalies, with all manner of elbow protectors and shin guards and explosive-grade batting gloves. We’re defenseless. Help us.”

Batting helmets were introduced in the 1950’s. Interestingly, only one batter was killed in the entire 75 year history of organized baseball before the advent of the head gear and the accompanying appearance of hitters that fearlessly dive at the plate. Back in the day, a threat was usually enough, and that was happily understood by both sides.

And it doesn’t seem to matter a lick to the hitters today that practically every other pitcher in the bigs throws in the mid-nineties. A major league hitter, especially one with no fear, can, as they say, straighten out a major league fastball in a hurry. Add shorter fences, such as at the new Busch Stadium, to that earlier equation, and the Chris Shelton Phenomena of 2006 is not much of a mystery.

I recently came into possession of a secret memo from the pitchers’ union. It seems as if a work stoppage in response to the home run and ERA assault is under consideration ‘as we speak.’ Here are the proposed demands:

1. End MLB’s game ball assembly contract with Top Flite.

2. Legalize the spitball for a thirty year trial period

3. Remove outfield fences and allow bleacher fans to make plays
(There are lots of quality fans available. Imagine, for instance, a draft of ballhawks such as Steve Bartman, Sal Durante, and Jeffrey Meier.)

4. Elbow protectors to be made out of cardboard

5. Charging the mound a felony punishable by 5-10 years in the minor leagues

In the meantime, sadly, plans are going ahead for the expansion of scoreboards throughout MLB.